Beautiful Mutants 1984

New Mutants #20 (October) Badlands. 

Chris Claremont, Bill Sienkiewicz.

The kids fight the Demon Bear on its own mystic territory, and their victory somehow brings about the revelation that Danielle's murdered parents were the Bear all along and, having been liberated, are now alive and well. Where New Mutants went from a fun bunch of teenagers jumping around and chugging soda to a soundtrack that almost certainly featured Hip to Be Square by Huey Lewis and the News, they're now something as starkly dramatic and gut wrenchingly powerful as a Swans album, and the transformation has somehow gone ahead without it feeling like a different book or seeming in any way laboured. I don't understand why the Sienkiewicz run on New Mutants doesn't get mentioned in the same sentences as Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns.

Beautiful Mutants 1983

Marvel Team-Up annual #6 (October) The Hunters and the Hunted. 

Bill Mantlo, Ron Frenz, Kevin Dzuban.

I've never been a fan of comics instructing kids not to do stuff because the message invariably seems to get in the way of whatever fun is to be had. Here we find Spider-Man teaming up with Cloak, Dagger, and the New Mutants in order to foil drug dealers who are making the kids take drugs so they can sell more drugs to them later on and Cloak & Dagger are involved because some drug dealers made them take drugs and those drugs gave them superpowers and thus have they sworn revenge on all drug dealers who sell drugs to kids because drugs are bad - although drugs as the cause of Cloak & Dagger's powers surely sends out a message more in line with the writings of Timothy Leary than the one which was obviously intended, when you think about it. The good guys win, you may not be surprised to learn, and we get what may be the worst art I've seen in any Marvel comic for a while. Wolfsbane's transitional human-wolf form looks like Biffo the Bear on page fourteen.

Beautiful Mutants 1982

Dazzler #11 (January) Lest Ye Be Judged.

Tom DeFalco, Danny Fingeroth, Frank Springer, Vince Colletta.

Dazzler, whom we should probably recall is more or less Kylie Minogue with a superpower, gets the best of Terrax the Tamer, escapes a black hole despite not having a spacesuit, catches up with Galactus - who has given up and gone home by this point - and persuades him to behave; and not once have I been compelled to hurl the half-read comic book across the room in disgust. Also in this issue we have the long overdue return of Beefer beginning on page seven where he is seen holding the drumsticks like chopsticks, possibly deliberately, and Harry S. Osgood is played by Joe Don Baker. Beefer can also be seen enjoying a candy bar on page fourteen and a bag of potato chips on page nineteen. Welcome back, big guy.

Beautiful Mutants 1981

X-Men #150 (October) I, Magneto... 

Chris Claremont, Dave Cockrum, Joe Rubinstein, Bob Wiacek.

Magneto is back, living on a Lovecraftian island where no-one else has working powers. Cyclops is held prisoner but is temporarily unable to moan about having to wear glasses. Magneto is up to his old tricks and does thus sink a Russian submarine, killing all of its crew - which I'm fairly sure will come back to bite him in the ass at some point - but this is otherwise a distinctly more reflective Magneto, one who teeters on the brink of humanism but for the aforementioned murder of Russian sailors. Lest we need further evidence, this issue serves as yet another testament to Claremont's writing as the former frothing maniac somehow evolves into a sympathetic and hence more believable character without any obvious contradictions or revision of what we already know. Between this anniversary issue and Defenders #100 - and possibly the Avengers annual depending on the dating - Marvel were really firing on all cylinders this month.

Beautiful Mutants 1980

Marvel Two-in-One #68 (October) Discos and Dungeons. 

Mark Grunewald, Ralph Macchio, Ron Wilson, Gene Day.

We're getting to see a lot of ol' flappy this month, don't you think? Here the Angel is getting over the death of Jean Grey by dancing his ass off at the same discotheque as the Thing, and the two of them inevitably end up fighting for their lives in Arcade's Murder World. This would be business as usual but for this Murder World having been put together by the Toad, with Arcade thankfully just a shadowy sponsor somewhere behind the scenes. The Toad is taking revenge on anyone who ever pissed him off, working his way up to Magneto. The Angel's name appears earlier on the list for obvious reasons and the Thing is simply caught up in the sweep. Being a millionaire, the Angel takes pity on the Toad, even sympathising with him, and so spontaneously finances a theme park called Toadworld in the hope of keeping his former enemy's mind off crime and that. It's possibly the most stupid ending to any superhero comic ever published, and that's why it's great.

Beautiful Mutants 1979

Captain America #229 (January) Traitors All About Me.

Roger McKenzie, Sal Buscema, Don Perlin.

Cap needs to investigate the disappearance of the Falcon in Los Angeles and, continuing the public transport motif we've seen in other titles, needs to take  a long-distance coach. Unfortunately he's a bit low on funds. The Beast offers to help out and we learn that, despite being a fully-grown man, Hank saves pennies in a piggy bank - albeit one which looks more like Sasquatch from Alpha Flight than Napoleon from Animal Farm. Unfortunately the Beast has only $4.75 saved, but thankfully Jarvis is able to step in with his pin money. Things get even stranger once Cap is on the coach and finds himself sat next to Billy, a small boy reading Daredevil #156, as described below*. Billy is very excited about Gene Colan having returned to the title, although he doesn't seem to rate Captain America as a comic, which is probably a good thing. Had Billy been sat on the coach next to Captain America while reading Captain America #229, the issue in which he sees himself sat on the coach next to Captain America while reading Captain America #229, the book might have turned into David Tennant era Doctor Who and would have been shite.

*: In the book as printed, obviously.

Beautiful Mutants 1978

X-Men #112 (August) Magneto Triumphant. 

Chris Claremont, John Byrne, Terry Austin.

Having cornered the X-Men in a sideshow caravan, Magneto flies them all off into space, meaning they can't knock him out because he's keeping them alive, although I'm sure Phoenix could have come up with something. None of this has anything to do with Mesmero or his circus of doom. Magneto points out that he's never even met the man and simply happened to be passing, also failing to shed further light on the robot version of himself we saw revealed as an imposter back in X-Men #58 - ten fucking years ago. Anyway, the lad flies our gang to the south pole, to his massive underground base—well, one of his massive underground bases - then makes them captive by means of technology which reduces them all to infancy in terms of motor coordination, being able to form words, and presumably wiping their own arses. This is to teach them a lesson. Alpha reduced the magnetically empowered nutcase to infancy back in Defenders #16 and, even though it was his own fucking fault, Magneto now invites the literally blameless X-Men to give account of how much they like them apples.

Beautiful Mutants 1977

Captain Marvel #50 (May) To Begin Anew.

Scott Edelman, Al Milgrom, Terry Austin.

This is where I realise that of any praise I've heaped upon the shoulders of Carmine Infantino, John Byrne and others, about half of it has probably been the due of Terry Austin. You learn something new every day. Anyway, I still find it difficult to move beyond the Gene Colan version of Captain Marvel and I'm not convinced there was much point turning him into David Bowie, so I'm a bit lost here. Apparently he's now Rick Jones - the Hulk's own Jimmy Olsen - with whom he trades places when Jimmy Rick says the magic word fiddles with his bangles, just like C.C. Beck's Captain Marvel and the guy Alan Moore later wrote as an adult character for grown-ups by having him do it with a nude lady. Getting to the point, this issue sees the Captain teamed up with the Avengers against the Super-Adaptoid, and if it's hardly breaking new ground, the telling is fucking terrific with the creative team here rendering an arguably hokey antagonist as genuinely weird and scary. We also get a brief glimpse of Rick Jones' career as a rock star - same month that saw the release of Never Mind the Bollocks and the first Damned album* but I get the feeling these wouldn't have been on Rick's radar, so fuck him. Otherwise, this one has me wondering whether I should have tracked down the first forty-nine issues.

*: Also the Heartbreakers' LAMF and Rocket to Russia by the Ramones.

Beautiful Mutants 1976

Avengers #150 (August) Avengers Assemble.

Steve Englehart, George Perez, John Tartaglione, Duffy Vohland.

This is it! screams the cover, a Spectacular 150th Anniversary Special - all this plus the usual Marvel mind-stunning action! most of which is a press conference interspersed with the Avengers discussing Thor's decision to leave, segueing into a flashback reprinting Avengers #16 by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, and Dick Ayers from May 1965. The action promised by the cover seems to be Captain America saving some guy from a leopard, following which it's mostly an earlier press conference interspersed with an Avengers board meeting discussing the recruitment of new members. At one point we see Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch posting a letter.

Beautiful Mutants 1975

X-Men #94 (August) The Doomsmith Scenario.

Len Wein, Chris Claremont, Dave Cockrum, Bob McLeod.

What the hell am I going to do with all these fuckin' X-Men, Professor X asks himself now that there are thirteen of them hanging around the school, knocking things over and failing to flush the bog after they've been for a shit; and I'd put money on Wolverine being the worst offender on the last score. Anyway, Sunfire announces that he has no interest in sticking around - even though the X-Men are at last back in their own regular book - which is fine because it turns out that he's a massive dick. Marvel Girl, the Angel, Iceman, Havok, and Polaris also declare that they all liked it better in the old days when everything was better than it is now, and duly have their bags already packed so they too hit the road leaving just Cyclops to lead the new bunch, which is tidy. Cyclops puts them through their paces in the danger room, and just in time because Count Nefaria is up to his old tricks. This time the Count has captured a mountain full of missiles with the help of his Ani-men. The Ani-men are people with animal characteristics, but are probably marginally more convincing than the Porcupine and the gang Nefaria had helping him last time. Last time, according to Count Nefaria, was those many months ago even though it was actually 1966, not because time works differently in the Marvel universe or because Count Nefaria is a bad guy and therefore dishonest, but because X-Men is a comic book and the issues to which the Count refers were published in 1966.

Beautiful Mutants 1974

Captain America #172 (April) Believe It or Not: The Banshee.

Steve Englehart, Sal Buscema, Mike Friedrich.

On the trail of the villainous Secret Empire, Captain America and the Falcon encounter the Banshee at a Merle Haggard concert, little realising that the Banshee is also on the trail of the Secret Empire, so he is, to be sure, to be sure. Naturally they have a scrap, so they do, which is broken up when Professor X arrives with both of the X-Men. The Banshee escapes, so he does, and Professor X explains that the Secret Empire is currently waging war on mutantkind, so it is, hence the Banshee being as much on edge as a man whose Guinness has been drunk by the pub dog while he was outside checking on his potatoes. Also in this issue we learn that even Irish people enjoy American country music, so they do.

Beautiful Mutants 1973

 Avengers #111 (May) With Two Beside Them.

Steve Englehart, Don Heck, Mike Esposito.

Magneto is now so powerful that he can control people through the iron in their blood. This must be a power he either forgets during subsequent encounters, or else will feel embarrassed about using. Here he causes the X-Men and Avengers to fight, which would never happen otherwise. His plan is to detonate an atom bomb in hope of the resulting radiation creating more mutants for his proposed army, even though mutants are surely born rather than created, otherwise every caped fuckwit who ever had a balls-up in the science lab would be a mutant. Those Avengers who still have their free will save the day and Magneto is defeated by the Vision who points out that the Master of Magnetism can't count, supporting my hypothesis that he's a massive thickie. The X-Men recover to the realisation of the Angel still being missing and that they're now down to just three, not including Chuck.

Beautiful Mutants 1972

Amazing Adventures #12 (May) Iron Man: DOA.

Steve Englehart, Tom Sutton, Mike Ploog.

Professor X tries to contact the Beast, who duly responds with a heartfelt piss off, baldy - leave me alone, or words to that effect. Possibly his attitude is explained by Marvel Girl's comment that the Beast is the only one who has been allowed to leave by the Professor. They've been in hiding ever since X-Men #66. Regretting having turned himself into Chewbacca, Hank makes a latex face mask and fake hands and devises special strappy bondage underwear to correct his now Gorilla-like posture so he can disguise himself as himself, if you see what I mean. It's probably not worth worrying over whether or not this will work given how certain superheroes can fool even close family members as to their identity with just a pair of specs. Following this latest transformation, Hank gets angry more easily and so gets into a scrap with Iron Man and actually kills him - or so he believes, although this is an illusion created by Mastermind who wishes to recruit this new Beast to his Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.

Beautiful Mutants 1971

Amazing Spider-Man #92 (January) When Iceman Attacks.

Stan Lee, Gil Kane, John Romita.

Bobby was the first to hop aboard the comeback special, here getting into the inevitable introductory pagga with Spider-Man before joining forces against a corrupt politician, or potential politician given that he hopefully lost the election after everyone read this issue - not that his behaviour would be much of an obstacle these days. If anything the racism and kidnapping would probably count as a qualification. Anyway, you can tell the comic biz was beginning to grow some balls regarding real world social issues, and this is a thoroughly satisfying issue of a comic I usually only read when there's a mutant involved because that's how I roll.

Beautiful Mutants 1970

X-Men #65 (February) Before I'd Be Slave.

Dennis O'Neil, Neal Adams, Tom Palmer.

It turns out that Professor X has been alive all this time and the guy we saw perish in If Either I or Someone Who Looks Just Like Me Should Die back in X-Men #42 was actually the Changeling atoning for his involvement with Factor Three by agreeing to take Chuck's place that he might devote all of his mighty brain to the doom that would be visited upon the Earth with the coming of the alien conquerors whom men call the Z'nox. I imagine this sort of thing happens about every four or five issues these days, but I'm sure it was a genuine shock back in 1970. The threat is specifically an alien race who have learned to steer their planet like some giant spherical spacecraft, and have come to Earth with conquest in mind, and so the lads go to investigate their beachhead at the south pole. It might be pointed out that Doctor Who already did this in 1966, but I suspect what I wrote back on page 33* still stands and you might just as well claim this is where George Lucas got the idea for Star Wars. Professor X knackers the Z'nox by combining all of the minds of Earth which, aside from foreshadowing Claremont's X-Men, might also be deemed an early use of the Force.

*: General denouncement of frothing fan-twats unable to conceive of the idea that certain tales might not have been inspired by an earlier episode of Doctor Who (a show which makes a point of borrowing from other sources), as I have encountered on a number of occasions, notably that Clifford Simak's novel All Flesh is Grass was somehow inspired by Terror of the Autons despite having been published five years earlier. Well, he must have been inspired by Quatermass, quoth the back-peddling fan-prick in question (because aliens in factories are involved), despite entire scenes in Terror being lifted directly from the novel by Simak, an American author who has expressly stated his dislike of television before we even get to the likelihood of obscure British telly turning up on ABC in the sixties. I assume this theory was informed by CULT BRITISH TELEVISION FROM WHEN I WAS LITTLE BEING THE PINNACLE OF ALL HUMAN CULTURE. This isn't what I've written on page 33 of Beautiful Mutants by the way, so I'm paraphrasing here.

Beautiful Mutants 1969

X-Men #57 (June) The Sentinels Live.

Roy Thomas, Neal Adams, Tom Palmer.

The Sentinels are up to their old tricks and kidnap Polaris even as we're still dealing with the Living Monolith. The sheer pace of the Neal Adams run is dizzying in comparison to what went before, and I expect the X-Men themselves will be glad of the rest once they get to issue #67.

The Female of the Species.

Linda Fite, Werner Roth, Sam Grainger.

Having already been seen joining the X-Men back in the first issue, Marvel Girl uses the obligatory origin pages to explain her powers, showing how she bakes a delicious apple pie for the boys or handles the housework using telekinesis; and this is written by a woman because, as Stan explains on the first page, it seemed appropriate to give one of the ladies a go seeing as how Marvel Girl is a girl and all, as the name implies. Germaine Greer's seminal feminist text The Female Eunuch was published a year later, which I'd hardly call a coincidence. Thankfully this was the last of these back-up features.

Beautiful Mutants 1968

X-Men #48 (September) Beware Computo, Commander of the Robot Hive.

Arnold Drake, Don Heck, Werner Roth, John Verpoorten.

I assume The Warlock Wears Three Faces in the previous issue was significantly guided by the hand of Gary Friedrich, because Computo really feels like the work of the guy who wrote Doom Patrol, with Marvel Girl's nascent modelling career rudely interrupted by the Computo of the title. Next thing, we're deep underground battling against the screwiest looking robots you've ever seen with very little explanation as to who, what or why, making for a dreamlike and distinctly surreal mood which I personally prefer to the yappy and over-explained. It leaves more room for the imagination and, in any case, life itself doesn't come with explanations provided.

Yours Truly, the Beast.

Arnold Drake, Werner Roth, John Verpoorten.

Hank spends five pages explaining how he likes to jump about all over the place which, having read the previous forty-seven issues, I already knew.

Beautiful Mutants 1967

Strange Tales #156 (May) The Tribunal.

Jim Steranko.

The half of Strange Tales previously occupied by the Human Torch is now home to Nick Fury, Agent of Shield, which I found a little confusing what with this being the twenty-second instalment of what seems to be an ongoing saga. The Supreme Hydra makes an ominous announcement to everyone on Earth, not least the superheroes, and we get a single panel of the X-Men paying attention and looking worried - so that was thirty dollars well spent. This issue features an advert pushing a cure for premature baldness which, combined with Steranko's eye-boggling hallucinogenic art, leaves me inclined to distrust the received wisdom of comics having been just for kids until Alan Moore invented the graphic novel by implying that the Joker raped Commissioner Gordon's daughter.

Beautiful Mutants 1966

X-Men #19 (April) Lo! Now Shall Appear the Mimic.

Stan Lee, Werner Roth, Dick Ayers.

This is a satisfyingly weird issue, a one-off story with a cover which leaves you in no doubt as to whether or not you need to read it, which you do. The Mimic isn't actually a mutant, having gained his powers through the traditional science experiment gone wrong - which might almost be ironic humour on the part of Stan and the gang. The Mimic has the ability to mimic the powers of other superheroes, hence the name, and is shown on the cover as a living composite of all five X-Men, or at least the four with physically manifest powers. I suppose they could also have given him knockers in acknowledgement of Marvel Girl but boobs aren't actually a superpower, contrary to the publicity. This one is an early example of an X-Men comic making use of its own mythology, which is interesting.

Beautiful Mutants 1965

X-Men #12 (July) The Origin of Professor X.

Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Alex Toth, Vince Colletta.

The introduction of the Juggernaut is more or less a shaggy dog story, much like the Big Murphy joke which did the rounds when I was at school. We spend two whole issues hinting at how terrible will be the power of the Juggernaut whence he doth show up, and this one mostly explains who he is (Professor X's shitty older step-brother) as everyone fortifies the school with barriers and booby traps. This entails Cyclops blasting holes in the floor. Blasting holes in the floor seemed to be Cyclops' answer to everything in 1965, although I'm not sure whether that's better or worse than Iceman having taken to getting about by means of fancy ice-slides which will presumably leave a terrible mess when they thaw.

This was Jack Kirby's final issue. He's credited with layouts in the next five, but his involvement isn't obvious and I gather if he was present, it was mainly to show Werner Roth the ropes, so to speak. Anyway, the first twelve issues of X-Men weren't his best, but even overworked Jack Kirby cutting corners and phoning it in remains elegant and occasionally startling. He gave the book its look, as ever leading where others would be obliged to follow. Also, regarding just how much of their collaborative work was written by Stan, or else was written by Jack as he built stories from whatever Stan had scribbled on the back of a napkin - it's difficult to miss that X-Men becomes significantly less wordy from the next issue onwards.

Beautiful Mutants 1964

Fantastic Four #28 (July) We Have to Fight the X-Men.

Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Chic Stone.

The Puppet Master sets up shop inside the brain of Professor X, who then duly points the kids in the general direction of the title while giving them a meaningful look; suggesting that the younger Xavier's powers were not nearly so well developed as that time he made every sentient being in the cosmos believe they were trapped in an episode of Happy Days, whichever issue that was*. This is possibly the first issue in which Jean switches the traditional X-balaclava helmet for a mask, allowing her beautiful bright red tresses to sway seductively to and fro like unto those seen in a shampoo commercial on television. The tale opens with the Invisible Girl and Mr. Fantastic reading a newspaper report about how everyone thinks the X-Men are amazing, so if you're not following their adventures, readers, you must be an arsehole. Sue Storm mentions in passing those foes thus far defeated by the X-Men, including the Space Phantom, so either that occurred off screen, so to speak, or I've missed an issue. Anyway, once the Fantastic Four have realised that they don't have to fight the X-Men after all, the true culprits are revealed, the day is saved, and Professor X gets his brain back.

*: Keep looking. I'm sure you'll find it eventually.

Beautiful Mutants: 1963

X-Men #2 (November) No One Can Stop the Vanisher.

Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, Paul Reinman.

The guys take on the Vanisher, a villain who became something of a comedy turn in later years but here manages a degree of menace through appearing in a story which is itself of relatively light tone. It probably also helps that Kirby gave him a resemblance to my former upstairs neighbour, George, who was fucking awful. There's still no sign of the mutant hysteria we keep hearing about, although some guy reading a newspaper describes the X-Men as over-rated phonies, which would probably count as anti-mutant hatred these days. The cover image of the Vanisher on the White House lawn still gives me a bit of a chill. The high point of this issue (and possibly the twentieth century) is, for me, Cyclops and Iceman catching a lift to school in an ice-cream truck. There isn't enough room for everyone up front so Iceman travels in the refrigerated compartment and, naturally, helps himself.

The X-Book

Having recently spunked away fourteen months of my life reading X-Men comics, I've inevitably ended up writing about it. It would have been twelve months but I miscalculated how long it would take to work my way through 1,654 comic books. I started with X-Men #1 from 1963 and kept going until I reached September, 1991, the point at which it all went down the toilet so far as I'm concerned and coinciding with the end of the Chris Claremont era. As older readers may have discerned from the numbers, this wasn't just X-Men #1 through to #280, but also the associated books - New Mutants, X-Factor, Excalibur, all the solo titles, issues of Defenders and Avengers featuring the Beast, Champions, Dazzler and anything else to feature an X-person even if it's just Cyclops stood in the background of one panel whining about something. The book is, in part, an analysis of all that went wrong, but also of what made X-Men great in the first place. It was written mainly for fun, specifically my fun, and therefore should not be mistaken for a droning treatise on post-gender tropes in the Spongebob Squarepants movie or collector bullshit about which issues you "need" with lists of who appeared where. I'm sure there's enough of that shite already out there and nobody could possibly need another one. It therefore has very little in common with, off the top of my head, The New Mutants (2016) in which Ramzi Fawaz explains how the Hulk is an important non-binary character because Bruce Banner often has a bit of a cry when he's finished rampaging through the latest city, because crying is something that ladies do and is therefore counter-patriarchal or summink*.

If you're familiar with my Pamphlets of Destiny blog or the associated books, then you'll probably have some idea of what to expect. However, because this one is over 241,000 words and should therefore be considered a magnum opus (at least in quantitative terms) I'm going to post a series of twenty-nine daily trailers here on this blog, one write-up taken from each year covered in the book leading up to the launch, as we publishing bigwigs call it. The excerpts should give you some idea as to whether you'll want to read the thing which, being unofficial and full of swearing, isn't going to get any promotion beyond this.

See you tomorrow, possibly.

*: God how I wish I were making this up.