Beautiful Mutants 1980

Marvel Two-in-One #68 (October) Discos and Dungeons. 

Mark Grunewald, Ralph Macchio, Ron Wilson, Gene Day.

We're getting to see a lot of ol' flappy this month, don't you think? Here the Angel is getting over the death of Jean Grey by dancing his ass off at the same discotheque as the Thing, and the two of them inevitably end up fighting for their lives in Arcade's Murder World. This would be business as usual but for this Murder World having been put together by the Toad, with Arcade thankfully just a shadowy sponsor somewhere behind the scenes. The Toad is taking revenge on anyone who ever pissed him off, working his way up to Magneto. The Angel's name appears earlier on the list for obvious reasons and the Thing is simply caught up in the sweep. Being a millionaire, the Angel takes pity on the Toad, even sympathising with him, and so spontaneously finances a theme park called Toadworld in the hope of keeping his former enemy's mind off crime and that. It's possibly the most stupid ending to any superhero comic ever published, and that's why it's great.

Beautiful Mutants 1979

Captain America #229 (January) Traitors All About Me.

Roger McKenzie, Sal Buscema, Don Perlin.

Cap needs to investigate the disappearance of the Falcon in Los Angeles and, continuing the public transport motif we've seen in other titles, needs to take  a long-distance coach. Unfortunately he's a bit low on funds. The Beast offers to help out and we learn that, despite being a fully-grown man, Hank saves pennies in a piggy bank - albeit one which looks more like Sasquatch from Alpha Flight than Napoleon from Animal Farm. Unfortunately the Beast has only $4.75 saved, but thankfully Jarvis is able to step in with his pin money. Things get even stranger once Cap is on the coach and finds himself sat next to Billy, a small boy reading Daredevil #156, as described below*. Billy is very excited about Gene Colan having returned to the title, although he doesn't seem to rate Captain America as a comic, which is probably a good thing. Had Billy been sat on the coach next to Captain America while reading Captain America #229, the issue in which he sees himself sat on the coach next to Captain America while reading Captain America #229, the book might have turned into David Tennant era Doctor Who and would have been shite.

*: In the book as printed, obviously.

Beautiful Mutants 1978

X-Men #112 (August) Magneto Triumphant. 

Chris Claremont, John Byrne, Terry Austin.

Having cornered the X-Men in a sideshow caravan, Magneto flies them all off into space, meaning they can't knock him out because he's keeping them alive, although I'm sure Phoenix could have come up with something. None of this has anything to do with Mesmero or his circus of doom. Magneto points out that he's never even met the man and simply happened to be passing, also failing to shed further light on the robot version of himself we saw revealed as an imposter back in X-Men #58 - ten fucking years ago. Anyway, the lad flies our gang to the south pole, to his massive underground base—well, one of his massive underground bases - then makes them captive by means of technology which reduces them all to infancy in terms of motor coordination, being able to form words, and presumably wiping their own arses. This is to teach them a lesson. Alpha reduced the magnetically empowered nutcase to infancy back in Defenders #16 and, even though it was his own fucking fault, Magneto now invites the literally blameless X-Men to give account of how much they like them apples.

Beautiful Mutants 1977

Captain Marvel #50 (May) To Begin Anew.

Scott Edelman, Al Milgrom, Terry Austin.

This is where I realise that of any praise I've heaped upon the shoulders of Carmine Infantino, John Byrne and others, about half of it has probably been the due of Terry Austin. You learn something new every day. Anyway, I still find it difficult to move beyond the Gene Colan version of Captain Marvel and I'm not convinced there was much point turning him into David Bowie, so I'm a bit lost here. Apparently he's now Rick Jones - the Hulk's own Jimmy Olsen - with whom he trades places when Jimmy Rick says the magic word fiddles with his bangles, just like C.C. Beck's Captain Marvel and the guy Alan Moore later wrote as an adult character for grown-ups by having him do it with a nude lady. Getting to the point, this issue sees the Captain teamed up with the Avengers against the Super-Adaptoid, and if it's hardly breaking new ground, the telling is fucking terrific with the creative team here rendering an arguably hokey antagonist as genuinely weird and scary. We also get a brief glimpse of Rick Jones' career as a rock star - same month that saw the release of Never Mind the Bollocks and the first Damned album* but I get the feeling these wouldn't have been on Rick's radar, so fuck him. Otherwise, this one has me wondering whether I should have tracked down the first forty-nine issues.

*: Also the Heartbreakers' LAMF and Rocket to Russia by the Ramones.

Beautiful Mutants 1976

Avengers #150 (August) Avengers Assemble.

Steve Englehart, George Perez, John Tartaglione, Duffy Vohland.

This is it! screams the cover, a Spectacular 150th Anniversary Special - all this plus the usual Marvel mind-stunning action! most of which is a press conference interspersed with the Avengers discussing Thor's decision to leave, segueing into a flashback reprinting Avengers #16 by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby, and Dick Ayers from May 1965. The action promised by the cover seems to be Captain America saving some guy from a leopard, following which it's mostly an earlier press conference interspersed with an Avengers board meeting discussing the recruitment of new members. At one point we see Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch posting a letter.

Beautiful Mutants 1975

X-Men #94 (August) The Doomsmith Scenario.

Len Wein, Chris Claremont, Dave Cockrum, Bob McLeod.

What the hell am I going to do with all these fuckin' X-Men, Professor X asks himself now that there are thirteen of them hanging around the school, knocking things over and failing to flush the bog after they've been for a shit; and I'd put money on Wolverine being the worst offender on the last score. Anyway, Sunfire announces that he has no interest in sticking around - even though the X-Men are at last back in their own regular book - which is fine because it turns out that he's a massive dick. Marvel Girl, the Angel, Iceman, Havok, and Polaris also declare that they all liked it better in the old days when everything was better than it is now, and duly have their bags already packed so they too hit the road leaving just Cyclops to lead the new bunch, which is tidy. Cyclops puts them through their paces in the danger room, and just in time because Count Nefaria is up to his old tricks. This time the Count has captured a mountain full of missiles with the help of his Ani-men. The Ani-men are people with animal characteristics, but are probably marginally more convincing than the Porcupine and the gang Nefaria had helping him last time. Last time, according to Count Nefaria, was those many months ago even though it was actually 1966, not because time works differently in the Marvel universe or because Count Nefaria is a bad guy and therefore dishonest, but because X-Men is a comic book and the issues to which the Count refers were published in 1966.

Beautiful Mutants 1974

Captain America #172 (April) Believe It or Not: The Banshee.

Steve Englehart, Sal Buscema, Mike Friedrich.

On the trail of the villainous Secret Empire, Captain America and the Falcon encounter the Banshee at a Merle Haggard concert, little realising that the Banshee is also on the trail of the Secret Empire, so he is, to be sure, to be sure. Naturally they have a scrap, so they do, which is broken up when Professor X arrives with both of the X-Men. The Banshee escapes, so he does, and Professor X explains that the Secret Empire is currently waging war on mutantkind, so it is, hence the Banshee being as much on edge as a man whose Guinness has been drunk by the pub dog while he was outside checking on his potatoes. Also in this issue we learn that even Irish people enjoy American country music, so they do.